my3sonsalways

Today is my 26th wedding anniversary.  That sounds really amazing and incredible to some people.  It sounds like a long damn time to others.  I suppose it should make me all giddy and excited but in reality it just feels like another day.  Not that I'm not proud that we have sustained our marriage for 26 years, I am, truly, truly, I am.  I hate to think that I have taken my marriage so for granted all these years that another anniversary doesn't mean anything.  Somewhere along the line it just became another day, another notch in the belt, another reason to buy a card.  This doesn't define my love for my husband.  Not at all.  That love is defined day in and day out, through all the good times and definitely all the bad times. Through sickness and health.  Whether we are happy or arguing, I know that our love is the glue that holds our family together.

I did stop on the way to work to buy a card because sadly I hadn't even thought about it before today.  I am a card person.  I like picking out the perfect card for the perfect occassion for the perfect recipient.  I can spend hours in the card section until I find just the right thing.  Today it took me less that 30 seconds.  Not because I wasn't giving it much thought or that I didn't care, but it just popped out and said "I'm the perfect card!"  It is a simple blue card, on the front it says "You + Me" and on the inside it says "Forever."  As simple as that, without a bunch of gooey, gushy other stuff, this one card summed it up for me.

You + Me = Forever

Happy Anniversary Hubby!

We took C2 back to the doctor yesterday and everything is looking good.  They took the stitches out, which apparently was uncomfortable and stung a bit and made him squirm and grimace.  I asked the doctor how many there were and he said "I quit counting awhile back."  Hmmm...  Nevertheless, he said that the wound was healing nicely.  The swelling has gone down considerably and it is now possible to tell that he actually has five toes versus one large toe.  They went ahead and fit him for a boot instead of a cast and he is supposed to wear it at all times except when he sleeps.  Of course the doctor's actual words were "when you are in bed" which in C2 language meant that he took it off as soon as he got home and laid down.  I didn't even try to argue with that one.

He goes today for his physical therapy evaluation, whatever that means, and then will do therapy three times per week.  I think that means one extra appointment to bring in more money from workmen's comp, just sayin...  Thankfully they are going to evaluate his being able to drive himself to therapy.  Since this is his left foot, the doctor said he could drive himself to therapy, which is right down the street from his apartment, so that we don't have to take off work and drive across town three times a week.  He did emphasize that this was dependent on the evaluation of the therapist, but even is she agreed he did not want him driving anywhere else at the current time.  Hmmm...

Hopefully this latest development will give me a bit more of a break since he is getting around really well on the crutches and with the boot on I won't worry as much about him falling.  I really do a need a break, I'm tired and exhausted all the time.  It's not like I'm not sleeping, believe it or not even with my insomnia I have had NO problems sleeping.  Once I hit the bed I am out like a light and I have a hard time getting up in the morning.  I also spend an inordinate amount of time sitting at my desk staring into space with droopy eyes.  My wish is for one full day of sleeping, nothing but sleeping, perhaps an induced coma as Jaysey suggested...

School starts Monday, which feels like another chore that I have to put on my list instead of a relief.  C3 is so easy during the summer.  He stays up all night and sleeps all day - never a peep out of him.  He did start football practice last week but luckily my mother has been getting him there and we just have to pick him up at 6:30.  From the smell of things, she got the better end of that stick.  He has his first scrimmage game this Friday and then the first real game next Thursday.  Not looking like I'm going to get any relaxing time anytime soon.

Haven't been to the grocery store in I don't know how long and my cupboards are pretty bare.  I so miss that Albertsons quit doing the online shopping and delivery service!  I will have to get Hubby to do the therapy run this afternoon and stop by the grocery store so we can eat.  Which reminds me, and I don't know why, this morning when I went to fill the automatic feeder for the cats I noticed that there were either rat or mouse bites on the edge of the cat food bag.  Apparently the cats are not doing their fuggin job, uh hello, what are you here for?  I think I failed to mention that the first night I came home from the hospital that I found a freshly dead mouse in the scooper in the dog food container and promptly ran in the house and vomited.  Made C3 put on gloves and take care of that by throwing it over the fence into the neighbors yard.  I know, good neighbor aren't I?  Must remember to tell Hubby to take care of rodents...

Monday

Start the week pretty much in the same way as last week, heading to C2's first thing in the morning and then off to work usually arriving between 9:30 and 10:00.  Actually have to start functioning and working though, don't think I can keep getting away with doing nothing. 

C2 is out of pain medication and I had to call the new doctor and see if I can get him a new prescription before we even see him, luckily he agrees.

After work, head straight to the pharmacy and pick up dinner for C2, sit and chat with him for a few minutes.  He's not in the best of moods after spending the day alone.  He can't seem to sleep and he complains that his foot just throbs at night.  Taking more pain medication than I'd like to see and I am worried about this.  We give him enough to get through the day in a little baggie and I keep the bottle with me.  Figured that he would complain about this, but I am thankful that he obviously knows his limitations and doesn't question us,  however he runs out before the next installment.  Not a good sign.

Go home and fall into deep slumber until woken by Hubby and one of his nightmares.  Hubby is having a real hard time with this and not willing or able to communicate his frustrations/worries.  The two of them in surly moods is wearing me down.

Tuesday

Again up in the morning to take C2 breakfast and get him his med's, he is in a real pissy mood today.  Nothing is making him happy.  Make a hasty retreat and tell him I will be back in time to help him shower before going to the doctor.

Get back to his apartment in plenty of time to help him shower and his mood is dark, not being able to dress himself or look his 'divo' self, he gets frustrated and throws a fit.  Lord help me.

Get to the doctor and have to wait, this doesn't set will with C2, he is uncomfortable having been used to being horizontal for the past two weeks.  Hubby is supposed to come but he has not arrived before they call us back. 

The doctor takes x-rays, prolonging our wait and Hubby finally arrives.  We learned that C2 does indeed have a broken ankle which was not earlier detected due to the swelling of the wound.  Unfortunately this cannot be casted so the result is two more weeks of complete bed rest with the foot elevated (that went over well...).  At least now we know WHY he has been still suffering from so much pain in that foot.  It will take at least 6-8 weeks for this to completely heal.  The wound on his left foot is healing nicely however the doctor did not want to remove the stitches for at least another week. (I am proud to say that I did not have to run from the room and vomit.)  The doctor then removes the staples from his right thigh and believes that this is healing up rather nicely, although not pretty. 

C2 complains about not having feeling in his right shoulder/upper arm but the doctor checks him and he has full range of motion so the doctor believes that there is not any nerve damage.  It could take anywhere from 2 months to a year for him to regain feeling in that region.

We will go back to the doctor in a week and probably start a little physical therapy.  The doctor did give him a few stretching exercises to do a couple of times per day because his achilles tendon is beginning to tighten and that wouldn't be a good thing.

Even though he was in a bad mood before we went to the doctor he is even more pissy now.  He moans and gripes the entire ride home.  We stop and pick up some dinner for him and he complains about not having anywhere to eat at this apartment, having to hold his plate in his lap.  I promise that once I get him home I will go find some kind of table or tv tray to help him out.  Couldn't get away fast enough.  Upon my return he is more surly and not appreciative of the effort I just went through going to several stores looking for the right thing.  Found two black wood tv trays and an end table that will fit right next to his bed instead of piling everything on the floor.  His anger and self pity is getting on my nerves and I loose my cool.  I tell him that yes his life sucks right now and yes he is in a lot of pain but the alternative is that he could be dead and I am thankful that he is not.  Maybe instead of feeling sorry for himself and bitching and moaning all the damn time, he could spend this time in reflection, praise the Lord that he is still here with us and decide what he wants to really do with the rest of his life!  I tell him that I am there for him and will do ANYTHING to help him but I can no longer be his punching bag. I leave in a huff ready to explode.

Wednesday

Give C2 a call and ask what his request for breakfast today is and he is actually pleasant on the phone.  Get him set up for the day and head to work.  He gives me a call in the afternoon and asks me to stop by the half price bookstore and pick up a couple of books for him.  He requests Catcher in the Rye and The Outsiders and then tells me to pick out a few 'inspirational/timeless literature' books - WTH does that mean?  Lucky enough there is a young man about his age that looker 'literary' working at the book store who helps me out and I take him several books, he is impressed with all the selections.

We have a nice talk, probably the most pleasant, real talk we have had since the accident.  He apologizes for his behavior and asks my advice on several things.  He has decided that he is lucky to be alive and is glad that I've stuck by his side.

I go home feeling very relieved and peaceful and cannot wait to share with Hubby.  Hubby is sound asleep when I get home until he has another nightmare.  It's time for a come to Jesus session with Hubby...

Thursday

Another day, another dollar.  I can't seem to get to bed before 10:30-11:00 each night and I seriously cannot get myself up in the mornings.  If I could just have a full day to sleep without anyone disturbing me I would be a happy camper.  Work is backed up with me being gone for a full week and then sitting on my ass for a full week and this week has been hell.  Still on the same schedule, take C2 breakfast, get his med's ready, fly off to work and then fly home, cook dinner, transport dinner and back home to get whatever hasn't been done completed and try to get to bed.

C2 still in fairly good mood, hoping that it lasts.  Hubby is a different story.  I finally break him and tell him that I can only handle one trauma at a time.  I know I wasn't there, I know that his pain is different and even perhaps deeper than mine, but we can't get through this alone, we need each other.  Finally Hubby tells me his worries about C2's future, he doesn't want him to follow in his footsteps, he wants him out of the business.  There was talk early on by Hubby's boss of bringing C2 into the office and training him for a different position.  Hubby's concerned that this position would be too stressful and not enjoyable and nothing has been said since.  Another thing that is bugging Hubby, nothing has been said since he went back to work.  No mention of the accident, just a few questions on how C2 is doing, but he feels that there is some kind of secret agenda going on behind his back.  I tell him he is just being paranoid.  His main concern is that he will be responsible for C2 for the rest of his life and that is weighing him down.  He also doesn't know if we need a lawyer and should we sue the contractor for faulty and sloppy workmanship, if that piece had been installed properly this wouldn't have happened.  He is so conflicted and there is nothing I can say to make him feel better.  At least getting this off his chest, he somewhat feels better and I can tell that he is now trying to not go back into his shell.

Friday

I call C2 and ask what he wants for breakfast and he tells me not to worry about it.  I ask him if he can take care of giving himself the shot and he says he will.  Does he need more pain med?  No he says he's fine.  I'm relieved that I don't have to make the trip to the opposite side of town and can just drive straight to work.  Don't get much work done, but finally go get my hair cut and colored, my appointment was the Friday of the first week of the accident and some serious grey hairs are sticking out.  I look like an old lady, a worn out old lady.

As always, Steve the hair dude makes me feel beautiful and wonderful, even though I know I look like shit.

Rush home after getting my hair done, I want to convince Hubby that we should see if C2 wants to go out to dinner, it might be nice for him to get out of his apartment.  We go to one of our favorite Mexican restaurants and they have to relive the trauma of the accident.  I still find this hard to listen to.  C2 tells Hubby, "Dad, if I ever doubted your love for me, I knew that day, the way you looked at me and the worry in your face, that you do love me and always will."  Waterworks from all of us, again.  It doesn't take C2 long before he is feeling uncomfortable and wants to go home and get back in bed. 

Saturday

C2 is handling his own shots, only a few more left so I did not rush over there in the morning.  I called and asked if there was anything he needed and he said he was okay.  I called a few more times during the day and he didn't answer, was just about ready to go over there and storm in when he called and said his new girl and his best friend and his wife came over to cook out for him and watch a movie.  Almost normal.  Hubby, C3 and I went out to dinner and came home and went to bed early.

Sunday

An almost normal day, C2 says he needs nothing and so C3 and I head out for back to school shopping and haircut.  I would have rather stuck needles in my eye, but that's done and he's ready for school.  Went to the evening Mass and call C2 to ask him if he needs anything.  He gives us a list and we head to the grocery store and stock him up.  We watch the Notebook, one of his and C3's favorite movies, but not one of Hubby's, whose ADD kicks in and he's ready to leave.  C2 and Hubby have a discussion on whether they should get a lawyer, I'm still conflicted on this subject, it worries me on so many levels.  It sours the mood and as we are leaving the new girl calls to say she is coming over.  C2 tells us he really likes this girl and hopes he doesn't screw this one up.  Hubby teases him that the only reason he likes her is because she is the only one coming around in his time of 'need'.  I, as always, ask about the porn star and he tells me that is over for good.  Good thing, no porn star grandbabies for me.  The new girl sounds rather intelligent, college graduate, making her own way, yet still interested in C2.  Hmmm...

Monday

Another week starts over, the same as the last two weeks.  I am still so very tired.  It is a rainy miserable Monday and I long to go home and take a nap.  One saving grace is that C2 doesn't not require my assistance in the morning any longer so I should be able to start getting to work on time - NOT.  No one expects me before 10:00 and until further notice that's the way it will be.

Hubby had a meeting with his boss and spilled his guts out.  From what I can gather through his anger, the conversation did not go as well as he hoped.  Although his boss has pretty much promised to take care of C2, forever really, offering him an office position and if he did not like that then offering to pay for him to finish college but expecting him to work part time for him during that time.  He explained to Hubby that since he was a sub-contractor of the general contractor, inevitably if we sue the shit rolls down hill effect will take place and we will be suing him.  He asked that we not do that, that we allow him to take care of C2.  Hubby is now more conflicted and angry thinking that makes him stuck to this job with this company for the rest of his life because now he 'owes' him something for taking care of C2.  I believe the opposite, I believe that he really cares for Hubby and our family and while he doesn't want to be sued, he is making an incredibly generous offer.  Hubby didn't like my response and huffed off to bed.

I went to take C2 his dinner and he started off in a good mood but he must have felt that I wasn't being totally honest with him when I told him that I didn't know if his Dad had the meeting yet or not.  I strongly feel that this is between the two of them and I don't want to get in the middle.  C2's mood turned surly yet again and I could see and feel the depression.  I asked the Lord how much more, but I know deep down that he will not give us a cross that we cannot bear.  But in the meantime, I suffer silently.

Tomorrow is our next doctor appointment.  Going to bed and praying real hard that this one sheds no more bad news and perhaps a little physical therapy will help get C2 out of the house and lighten his mood.  Keeping my fingers crossed.  Now I think I will hit the sack and see if I can actually get up on time and get to work on time since I am leaving early.  We will see what tomorrow brings...

Tuesday

I get up at the crack of dawn because the plan is to go to work after I make sure the C2 is taken care of and the dreaded shot in the stomach is given.  Because both Hubby and I have taken this entire time off of work, it is time for us to return although it gives me a nervous tummy to do so.  It had been decided that since C3 did not have anything better to do, he would be the caregiver during the day.  Basically his job was to just be there and fetch anything C2 needed and make sure that he ate lunch.  He wasn't all too happy about this job and bargained his way into a new pair of highly overpriced football cleats.  I arrive at C2's apartment, having brought breakfast along with C3 and he's not feeling all that well.  Still in a lot of pain and asked that I change his sheets since they are completely soaked from sweat.  Hmmm... they are his only set of sheets.  I tell him that I will go get him some sheets but first we have to do the shot since it had to be given at a specific time.

I can't do it.  I just simply can't do it.  I have never given anyone a shot, I don't like getting shots, needles make me squirm and I have been known to get teary eyed when I get a shot.  I'm upset, he's upset, it's not pretty.  Finally after harsh words that I wish I could take back and some yelling, he agrees to do this himself and I cry.

I head off to Target to get a couple of sets of sheets and pick up a few more things on the request list.  Finally make it work around lunch time.  Sit at my desk and stare at the computer, with the exception of the 10 minutes that the Big Guy came in and asked if I had gotten this and that done and I lied and said yes, until 5:00 came.  The most peaceful and relaxing 4 hours I had in a whole week.

Rush home, cook dinner, take dinner to C2, bring C3 home, do some laundry, pass out.

Wednesday

Same scenario, different day.  Take C3 over to C2's house to keep him company and pick up breakfast on the way.  I prayed and prayed all the way over for God to give me the strength to just give him the shot.  I don't want to do it, but I am prepared.  I get him set up to eat, get the med's out and sit down on the bed and say, "OK, I'm going to do this and I apologize for yesterday."  He obviously thought about it and decided he could do it himself.  Thank God!

Arrive at work around 10:00 and do pretty much the same thing that I did the day before, nothing.

Rush home, cook dinner, take dinner to C2, bring C3 home, do some laundry, pass out

Thursday

Pretty much a ditto of the day before...

Friday

C3 starts football practice and can't sit with C2 today.  It's okay, I get off at 1:30, he won't be alone for very long.  Take him his breakfast, get him his med's and tell him to call me if he needs anything.

Get to work and worry and fret all morning because when I call to check on him he doesn't answer the phone.  Worry myself into a frazzled state until I speak to him around 11:00.  Nerves are shot so bust out of the office at 12:15 and drive straight to his apartment.  He's sound asleep.  I crawl into the bed next to him making sure I don't wake him or get in the way and bump his foot and instantly pass out.  Wake up at 5:00, drive home, pick up Hubby and C3 go get dinner and take to C2's.

Saturday

Jump out of the bed early to make sure I get over to C2's to get his med's since he has to have the shot at the same time every day.  Come home and try to finish laundry and straighten the house.  Take dinner to C2 and convince him to come spend the night at our house so he can watch the Cowboy game (told a little white lie that it was only on the N*F*L channel) to which he agrees.  Having him at the house is so relaxing for me, I go to bed at 8:30 pm.

Sunday

Sleep until I wake up around 8:00 and feel the relief that I don't have to rush anywhere.  C2 sleeps through most of the day and we are especially careful not to wake him since we are hoping that he will just stay.  It has been so much easier on us.  At 7 pm Hubby and I discuss that we will go pick up the rest of his med's and anything else he needs but when Hubby asks him what he needs, he says he wants to go home, the new girl is coming over.  Hmmm...  Hubby takes him home and gets him settled in and I prepare myself for another week of the same thing.

Day Eight - Monday

The Departure

Once again I am up before dawn to make that drive to Dallas.  I say a silent prayer that this is the LAST time that I have to make this particular drive. We were disappointed the day before so I was trying not to get my hopes up to high but I was so ready for the end.  When I arrived Hubby was up and ready to go and went ahead and packed up the room.  You can sure collect a lot of stuff in 7 days stationed in a hospital and it appeared that we would need a moving truck to get out of there,

Our nurse expected us to go home that day as well as she busied herself getting everything ready so that once the doctor arrived to sign the orders we could bust out of there.  She promised us that they try to get all releases done by 11 am but since the doc always came early, we could be in luck and leave before that.  One has to keep in mind that this is the Kat family and things don't always go according to plan.

Au 8:00 the physical therapist came and told C2 that in order for her to sign off on his release he would have to get up and walk on the crutches at least 150 yards, or a complete circle of the floor.  In natural form, he didn't to participate in this little outing and grumped his way through it.  I know that it was hard and it hurt but my patience was thin enough to snap at him to just do it.  That done, around 9:00 there was still no doctor but the equipment people showed up with all the equipment we needed, crutches, shower seat, walker and bedside potty.  Another thing to grump about, C2 had no intentions of using a bedside potty and was quite insulted that we would even suggest it.  Sent the potty back to ease his tantrum but wondered where we would put all this stuff in addition to our other stuff.

Finally at 10:00 the doc shows, never had he been that late except the first day.  The doc checks the wound one last time and signed the orders.  Great we can go.  But nooo... we have to learn how to give C2 shots in the belly which he must do for the next 14 days, then we had to learn how to properly dress the wound.  Great now we can go.  But nooo... NO, now we had to wait for the pharmacy to bring up the special bandages and stuff we would need to clean the wound and he special container that we would need to dispose of the syringe and needles.  Great, more stuff.  That seemed to take forever and it all showed up around 11:30.  Great now we can go.  But nooo... we had to wait for the 'Patient Transporter' to come to not only take our stuff down but to take C2 down in a wheelchair.  The wheelchair driver shows up so Hubby goes down to the special dispatch parking area thinking we would be leaving any second.  But nooo... the 'Cart Transport' had yet to arrive to cart the stuff.  I don't think I have ever witnessed such slow moving people in my life!

Of course C2 is having a complete and total fit during all this time and using his favorite F word every  other word and saying he was going to hobble down on crutches himself if they didn't hurry up.  I was silently thinking that these people probably could not wait for us to get the hell out of their hospital!  At. 12:15 we are headed down to the car finally and the transporter tells me where Hubby should pull up.  As normal, Mr. ADD was talking on the phone and not paying attention to my hand signals of where to go and almost runs us down and then gets huffy because he couldn't understand what I was trying to say.  I so wanted to tell him where to stick his phone at that moment.

The drive home was long, traffic was especially crowded for a Monday at noon and my view from the backseat was scaring the hell out of me.  If I were driving I would have gone slow and purposely tried to MISS the potholes or bumps in the road, but not Hubby, nope it was like he sought them out!

We get C2 to his apartment and in bed, settled down and give him the two pain pills the nurse was sweet enough to slip us on our way out, and Hubby and I head to the store to pick up groceries and get the prescription filled.  Since it was workmen's comp insurance of course they denied the first two attempts to file the claim.  I had to call my patient rep to get that that taken care of, which took over an hour.  I hated leaving C2 home alone for so long so I told Hubby to take the groceries and I'd call him when it was all taken care of.

By the time everything was settled and everyone fed, Hubby volunteered to be the one to spend the night with C2 his first night home.  He was not very stable on the crutches and was having a hard time getting up and down.  A few frustrated tantrums later, I left to go home but would be back first thing in the morning to give the injection and bring C3, the elected day caregiver for the week.